Every now and then, in my job as a proofreader, I come across a typo that makes me laugh out loud or elicits a ‘Whhhhaaaaaat?!’ – when the author accidentally writes something that ends up having a meaning they really did not intend. I got the idea for this post while reviewing the work of my author sister, novelist Terry Tyler Terry Tyler’s Books, who said that when writing at speed and getting involved with the story, it’s so easy to type something that you simply can’t believe you did. (Which is another reason not to use that old false friend spellcheck, by the way, because these are mostly genuine words, just in the wrong place.)
I’ve been keeping a list (and I wish I’d started it earlier, I’ve seen some absolute lulus!) I thought I’d share them here for your amusement, and they are all strictly anonymous – I will not reveal my sources. But I and the authors concerned have shared a laugh over their mistakes, and it just proves something that I always maintain, i.e. that one cannot effectively proofread one’s own work. My thanks go to all who (initially unintentionally!) contributed.
What they wrote | What they meant | What it looks like | |
1 | On the lamb | On the run | Sitting on a young sheep |
2 | It’s a bad wrap | I’ve been wrongfully accused | I don’t like my lunch order |
3 | Vualá | Voilà | I don’t know even basic French, and I didn’t bother to Google it |
4 | Dough-eyed | Doe-eyed | Eyes like pastry? |
5 | Martin atmosphere | Martian atmosphere | Hello, Mr Atmosphere |
6 | A small vile of liquid | A small vial, or glass container, of liquid | This liquid’s really nasty! |
7 | Leaning against the door jam | Door jamb | They make jam out of doors?! Rather woody taste. |
8 | The muscles in his neck were taught | Taut | What did they learn? |
9 | He was tempted to eat a second desert | Gimme some of that ice cream | You going to eat all that sand? |
10 | On the left was yellow, arid dessert | Desert | I’d rather have the strawberry cheesecake |
11 | The judge halted the trail | Oh, the trial! | What, the Appalachian Trail? |
12 | She worked in a stationary shop | She worked in a stationery shop | It didn’t move around, then? |
13 | I will stay away from you and your elk | I don’t like you or your friends | Keep that great brute away from me! |
14 | Two policemen were peeing through the window. | Peering (I hope!) | Surely they could arrest each other for that? |
15 | Doug came from Manchester, and spoke with a strong Manchurian accent. | Mancunian | Oh, he was Anglo-Chinese, was he? |
16 | You know what they say, a room wasn’t built in a day! | Rome | Why not? (And they don’t!) |
17 | You could melt butter with the heath between my thighs (from an erotic novel) | Heat (although there are better ways to soften butter) | Way too many weird mental images right now! |
18 | The rent was dew | Due | The fairy folk pay my rent |
19 | There were two centuries guarding a gate | Sentries | Okay, I give up! |
20 | She practised sign language with her two dead colleagues | Deaf | Sounds like a bit of a waste of time |
21 | Don’t talk such uniformed nonsense | Uninformed | I prefer my nonsense to be dressed casually |
22 | We passed our time in gentile conversation | Genteel | We didn’t talk about any Jewish people |
23 | She was wearing black patient leather shoes | Patent | A change from her usual irritable footwear |
24 | He’s regarded as an danger to the pubic | Public | Watch out for those sensitive areas, lads |
25 | My knees trebled in anticipation | Trembled | Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mr Six-Knees! |
26 | He attended Greenwich Navel Collage, also It looked like the scene of a navel battle | Naval College | One vowel – big difference |
27 | Henry left the martial home | Marital | Presumably because it’d turned into a war zone |
28 | She spent a lot of time sawing her own clothes | Sewing | Shabby chic? |
29 | Sand out the armed guards! | Send | Smooth out their rough edges, har har! |
30 | The Baby Jesus was laid in a manager | Manger | Sounds a bit uncomfortable for both of them. |
31 | While lambs gambled in the sun | Gambolled | OK, everyone, aces are high, deuces are wild! |
32 | Angus Dei | Agnus Dei | A Scotsman favoured by God |
33 | A barmy hot night | Balmy | What a crazy night that was |
34 | I heard a woman whaling | Wailing | There she blows! |
35 | Ma trade | maître d’ | Yes, it took me a while to work out what he meant |
36 | (To a patient in a fertility clinic) ‘You may wish to consider freezing your seamen for the future’. | Semen | It seems conditions in the navy are very harsh these days! |
37 | The ground was rhymed with frost | Rimed | No it wasn’t, it rhymes with ‘sound’. |
38 | I used to love our post-colitis conversations | Post-coital | Talking about inflammation of the bowel and rectum doesn’t sound like fun to me. |
39 | He stained his ears in the darkness | Strained | What colour? |
40 | He picked up a tight-fitting green shit and pulled it over his head | Shirt | Yeugh! |
41 | Katie tiled her head towards him | Tilted | Sounds dreadfully uncomfortable |
42 | He bit his nails, irradiated | Irritated | He won’t have many nails left to bite, if he keeps that up |
43 | She glared at me through gritted teeth | OK, mental picture? | Sounds as if someone hasn’t redrafted! |
44 | He’d got caught up in a drug-dealing racquet | Racket | Bet he failed to score, lost that game, and was ‘served’ with a summons! |
45 | I didn’t want to panda to his whims | Pander | Especially if they included eating bamboo shoots |
46 | I looked very festival sheik | Festival chic | I suppose a thawb is comfortable for a festival, but how would you keep it clean? |
Am I the only one who’s only discovered the ‘desert’ one 6 months after a book is published???!! This was before Julia proofread my books, I hasten to add! If anyone has read ‘Dream On’, they may have spotted it….
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Excellent! I read this half-squinting in case one of mine came up but I was okay with this list – probably commit other just as heinous typo crimes though 🙂
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Indeed, and we can never believe we wrote it. As I said, I wish I’d started this list before, I know I’ve read some hilarious ones but I can’t remember what they were.
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Brilliant! I once used ‘titillate’ in error – oh how we laughed! Fortunately this was before publication otherwise I may have been shelved with EL James! 😉
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A lady just tweeted me to say she wrote ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’ – in a paper that was to be read out to an audience!
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Ha ha, glad it’s not just me then! 😉
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It’s great that there is humour in a job that requires such attention to detail, Julia. Because I use voice-activated software that always puts in real words, although not necessarily the right ones, and has such fun with homonyms I often find myself giggling at a heart-rending emotional scene, I have to be extra careful with mine – but quite often blog comments and tweets come with glaring errors – I suppose it’s a good exercise in tolerating shame.
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I imagine you have to be very careful with voice-activated software. I remember my ex-boyfriend, who had a French accent, using that – now that was fraught with all sorts of possibilities! And I have to be super-careful with my blog posts and tweets, for obvious reasons.
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I am reminded of the fake-French-accented Lorette Voleur in the movie The Beverly Hillbillies, intently telling Jed Clampett that ‘a penis is hard to find”… Yes, she meant “Happiness is hard to find,” but Jed and the audience heard differently!
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Although it trains to different accents, after more than ten years mine still struggles with my Cumbrian vowels. Nice one, Pat, not stumbled into anything like that yet – at least not to my knowledge.
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I love this Julia, so entertaining! My best boob was when I was working as a PA for The Institute of Chartered Accountants and typed: ‘We were given completely access to Mr A****’s flies’. Should have been ‘files’ …. The other one wasn’t quite as embarrassing but still irritating, as my computer kept turning ‘Gladstone’ into ‘gallstones’ when I was doing my English A-level.
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My favourite was when a secretary that I worked with, while doing audio typing, typed her boss’s dictated ‘ipso facto’ as ‘if so, fatso’!!!
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LOL! These are hilarious!
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I love a good typo! Great list, Julia. My tip-top favourite I’ve found when proofreading is “Discretion is the better part of velour.” So smooth…
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Ah, Wendy, I so wish I’d started the list earlier!
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Reblogged this on Barrow Blogs: .
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HAHA! I love this sort of thing! 🙂
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Thanks so much! Me too, as you can see.
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I love these, especially #4 – my eyes often feel like pastry after a late night!
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Yes, there are a few good laughs in there!
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The old traditional pubic/public always makes me giggle, and the less said about misspellings of King Cnut, the better!
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Best leave all mention of historic Danish royalty the hell alone, I reckon!
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Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
Some humour from my friend Julia. I’d like to another one. The man in a novel who came from Manchester “Who spoke with a Manchurian accent”. Here’s Julia:
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Brilliant, brilliant, and thanks for reblogging, Geoff!
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Oh these have made me laugh so much, Julia. I could very easily make some of these mistakes when I’m typing fast too! I love the ‘small vile of liquid’…
One typo I read recently was not like these, it was a real spelling mistake and occurred three times in the same (professionally edited) book! It was ‘exhuberance’. I had huge fun coming up with meanings for that one 🙂 Another one I loved was made by one of my non English uni students. He wrote about getting a distinction for his international Bachelorette. I nearly ruined a laptop keyboard over that one. He actually meant Baccalaureat, the high school diploma..
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A friend wrote in a comment above, that he read of a person from Manchester, who apparently spoke with a ‘Manchurian accent’! Enough to make one hurl beverages over one’s keyboard, I would think!
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Thanks! Good ones. You are right…you can’t proofread your own work. I look back at my first published book & find a glaring mistake that the editor and myself both missed! I can’t remember exactly what it is at the moment…but it seems like the word “refrigerator” was just sitting in the middle of a sentence for no reason!
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Refrigerator? That’s a good one! I have to get my sister to look over my draft blog posts, because I’ve been known to miss out a word, which does my street cred no good whatsoever, as you may imagine.
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In the days when we were encouraged to send our handwritten reports to the local council’s ‘Word-Processing Unit’, rather than type them ourselves, I often had the word ‘deprived’ in my reports come back as ‘depraved’. Luckily I managed to spot it each time it was circulated to others, including council committees (or at least I think I did)!
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Yes, there are some terrific examples out there, aren’t there – as I said, I wish I’d started collecting them sooner, because although I can’t remember what they were, I know that some of them have made me laugh out loud.
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“Gee, Officer Krupke …. I’m depraved on account I’m deprived!” If it’s good enough for Stephen Sondheim …
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I remember that song!
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My students are a constant source of mis-spelling. Yes, Hamlet meets his just desserts frequently. The Year 7s used to write S A on their homework…which puzzled me until I realised they meant essay. Fun times.
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You’ve been peeking at my latest novel. Brilliant 🙂
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They’re fun, aren’t they – but of course I can’t take credit for them!
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Oh no. Ha ha. Funny when your brain and fingers refuse to talk to each other.
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Oh yes, always good for a laugh.
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Sign in an Italian restaurant window declared their meals contained “glutton-free pasta”
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Brilliant, thank you!
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Pingback: Interview with Julia Gibbs | A Lover of Books
This post did make me laugh. I came across one the other day ‘…that was no mean feet’ !
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Ha ha, nice one! I laugh about these every time I update the post.
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I nearly injured myself reading some of these.
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There are some corkers, are there not!
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Pingback: 10 Funniest Typos (updated!) | Fragmented Mind
Love this! I’ve recently seen ‘bare with me’, and ‘so fart’ instead of ‘so far’. Typos usually make me grin, though but don’t get me started on howling grammar mistakes in books!
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Oh yeah, I’ve seen ‘bare with me’ also, it’s a lulu! Don’t get me started on howling grammar mistakes either, my pet hate du jour being dangling modifiers. Heads will roll!
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Worse still, if they’re baring all, is having modified danglers.
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It’s a shame you made me laugh out loud, as I’ve got a cough.
My favourite still, although from a report rather than a book, is the chap who confused prostate and prostrate. I’ve never been able to work out quite what he was thinking, because neither was appropriate in the context.
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Hope you get over your cough soon! I wish you could remember the exact prostate/prostrate quote, because it sounds like a good ‘un.
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Maybe he really meant “refrigerator.” (SCR – Sorry, Couldn’t Resist)
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Reblogged this on Jeanne Belisle Lombardo and commented:
All editors come across these typos but JuliaProofreader has caught some real doozies!
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Thank you, Jeanne – as I said I know I’ve seen some even better ones, but regrettably didn’t note them down at the time. My most recent LOL was ‘danger to the pubic’, in a crime novel.
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I once received an estate agent’s flyer offering me “a specious house”.
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I love it! I noticed advertising posters in my local Morrisons this morning about their charity projects – one offered ‘used coffee grinds’ to gardeners, and the other talked about someone playing a ‘ukalele’. Why don’t these people just look up the word if they’re not sure?
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In a previous life, I ran a business as a court reporter and legal transcriber, with three people doing the first runs, which i’d then proofread. One of them heard “errors and omissions insurance,” but typed it as “Arizona missions insurance.”
Also, in my first novel, I left a deliberate typo in … twice: misplaced the space in “Got it.” Lots of readers thought it was an accident; others had the appropriate chuckle.
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A secretary at a firm I once worked at was taking dictation and heard the words ‘ipso facto’. She typed out ‘if so, fatso’! Probably one of my all-time favourites.
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I was reading “Charlie Dickens” by Philip Ardagh. I noticed that his arch-villain had a Business Manger. I was going to point this out to the great man but realised: this is a Philip Ardagh book, why wouldn’t he entrust his business affairs to a horse trough? I even got a “good man” response from Mr Ardagh on Twitter.
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NIce one! I’ve come across that one before, and it’s easily done of course. When I spotted it in a book I was working on, I did an immediate search and found it occurred 3 times!
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One I just remembered. A European restaurant in Boston, Massachusetts, had the slogan, “The Best Incontinental Cuisine.” I told the owner about it and he added the appropriate space, had to reprint all his menus. Ah, well.
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Grammar is knowing the difference between knowing your shit – and knowing you’re shit
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Ain’t that the truth, Mr T!
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“Viola!” There you have it.
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The first draft of my teen novel was full of willies. They lived in the countryside, it was muddy – they all wore wellies!
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OMG – loved these. I can’t even begin to say which ones are favourites!
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I love them all, I’ve tried to pick a favourite but I can’t! And they’re all real.
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Just proofread a charity report – Didn’t anyone pick up that their ‘Know your Normal’ campaign really ought to have bee ‘Know You’re Normal.’ Hmm. Tempted to ask them Know your Normal what?
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It beggars belief, does it not! Not one person said, ‘hold on a minute …’!
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Brilliant, Julia. A proof-reader is essential to publishing a good-quality book. My goof is ‘wondering’ when the character should have been ‘wandering’! I’m sure I’ve had many more! I loved the one practising sign language with their dead friends – that really made me giggle! Keep up the good work.
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Thanks, Jeanette! Yes, ‘wonder’ and ‘wander’ are often confused, I find. All my typos are genuine, you couldn’t make them up – I love it when I find a new funny one!
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Leaning against the door jam…all the (people? animals?) jamming into the doorway?
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Nice – could be!
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Oh, remembered this! Still love the irritable shoes. Cheers, Julia
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I laughed out loud. Very cute but horrifying for the authors. As an author, I know those kinds of things are horrifying. It’s because the editing, spelling, word differentiation, side of our brain is on the left. But the creative story telling side is on the right. That’s also why we cannot proof our own work. When I read my story the right side switches on again and I read what I intended to write. Not what I actually wrote. Proofreaders and editors are worth their weight in gold. As are story doctors.
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Absolutely! I come across typos all the time, of course, and it’s because when a person is creating, they can’t see them. Great fun when coincidence makes them hilarious, though!
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By the time I got down to ‘I will stay away from you and your elk’ I was actually laughing. Thanks!
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My pleasure – you can imagine what I was like when I first discovered them. One of my clients was much amused recently when I pointed out that one of her characters ‘excited the building.’
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This is beyond funny! I’ve read (and I’m sure written) some howlers but these are epic. Thanks, Julia!
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Thank you – I really wish I’d started collecting them earlier, because I know I’ve seen some hilarious ones but I’ve forgotten them!
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